~Living Life To The Fullest~

I have been trying to write new posts for the past few months. But it failed. I tried to dig the reason where the hell has my passion gone. There were too many things left unsaid. It ate me. What’s left on me now, is just a deep anger. Yes, IT IS DEEP. Deeper than any hole that you could imagine. That does not include the pain of holding it.

Well, let’s just forget the past wound. There is no use. The scar will always remain there. Here I am, trying to strengthen back every crooked visions of mine. I couldn’t be happier. Everything has been so great. There’s nothing to justify no more. But… when old stories came back to fight for its right, it’s more complicated than I thought it would be.

When oath was made, honesty was the only thing to make sure it will remain there. But when it is violated, it is not my responsibility anymore for any consequences that might occur. It is a total agony. Because you were the last person that I thought would do this kind of shit on me.. Im tired of telling the right thing and agreeing on the same thing. When the ending seems like we have never been taught about it.

So, there you go. I am letting you go. And I hope you dont question why Im not respecting you like I used to. Those old times are over. Lets just erase the past. I dont want it anyway. Because it seems like what we have learnt together has gone out to the drain. So, have it your way. Have a beautifucking day..

Grey. The color of uncertainity. The transforming phase. The color of being on the fence. But for me, grey is.. those yesterdays ghosts. I am gonna write a very short blog now coz im just..so dried.. Im caught up between the line i never created and the line that i accidentally created. That hurts. Perhaps, I made a mistake. But, I couldnt even help myself to get over it. This grey ghost keeps haunting me. It keeps telling me to regret every single thing that i live in right now. I hate this feeling..

Hye. I am wani. I just turned 22. And im suck…

No matter how many times you have broke my heart, but i still love you with all the pieces. Thats all the pieces left in me. Thats all i got. Maybe you need another ways of me trying to approach you and teach you how to live life the way it should be. You are not stupid, but you are just a clueless kid.

Friendship is all about TRUST and UNDERSTANDING. It is hard to trust your friends if you can barely know their characteristics. But, it is a different thing when you refused to understand them. It is just way too absurd. So, screw yourself. You have to put a bit of efforts when you wanted to be with someone. If there is no efforts, obviuosly one of you just wasting your time when you could spend it with the one who really loves you.

When insecurities surround you, you are nothing but a nervous cat. Scare of your own shadows. Surrounded by guiltiness and paranoids. Dont blame us! You created that path. So deal with it. If you think it is too hard for you, so stop being a MORON! Stop all the nonsense. You caused your own pain. Why am i the one who have to suffer??

No matter how high the squirrel flies, it will eventually fall on his own face. hahaha. There are 2 types of people. The smart and the less-smart. heeee.. You are not stupid. But you just dont know that your are not smart enough when you think you have outsmarted other people. Thats is why i called them the less-smart. The smart will always figures it out. YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CANT HIDE. So stop making the mistakes over and over again. YES! Its the fact that no one is perfect, everybody makes mistakes..bla bla bla.. but how long do you want to stay in the same hole? get away from there.

So, this is how it goes. People like you wont be staying comfortably any longer with people like me. Where you pride will gone and you prejudice will cover. This is what happen when you are too snob to think about other people and just being pratically a stupid selfish brat. Think i will let my pride ruins by retard like you? yeah rite!

there it goes. another month passed me by. ahakz. soooo many thing happened. too lil time to reminisce. many stuff happened lately. i barely recall it nemore. yeahh.. so who cares. its 6 am. when everyone has gone to their dreamlands. im still here. this is my dreamland. i blog whatever i want.

as i watched everything passed me by. as i experienced myself when shit bothered me and my not-so-good life. it made me think. what are these people for. i mean. the purpose for ever exists in my life. they drive me nuts. hahaha. its funny to think back those old days. and its kinda hurt to remember the bitter ones.

wow. so. politics suck. why bother to acknowledge anyway. hahaha. to those who thinks theyre can be the next so-called prime minister, u guys can just simply fuck off! stop blabbering bout politics and watever goes around it. its total waste of time. stop acting like u know everything. thing is.. u dont.

and yeah.. just occur my mind that the main point im writing this blog is.. nothing. so basically i can write watever topic id luv to talk about.

yeah.. so. life is not fair sometime. u know it. we know it. everybody does. but what goes around comes around la kan. why bother to boss ur ass around justa make sure u get wat u want. hahaha.. am i makin any sense here. stop bein a moron. a complete idiot when u rather lick somebody elses ass just to be known by publics. hahaha.. it looks like u have a permanent BIG ‘L’ there on ur forehead.

so wat about having ur heart crushed by someone whom u never thought of crushing their hearts? it was reaally mean.. so. basically. enjoy life while u can. life isnt something to be sad about, isnt something to be problemed about.. and its definitely isnt something to be played around.

to all losers and shitface.. fuck off and get a LIFE

Another hour goes by. Another day, another hour, minutes by minutes left me questioned myself. "where are you?"..

Enough with all the question marks. Sick and tired with all the people who have been asking me the same fucking question. "what’s wrong with you?"..

This expression tells everything. I want my life back. And I’m kindly ask you to give it back to as you have ripped everything off my soul. I hate to ask and plead you anymore. I had enough of it. I hate to let myself thinking.."why do you have to change?"

It’s totally wrong when you have misused everything that I have ever gave and taught you. And it’s ruining everything inside me when you used it to against me.It is just too yesterday if I asked yourself "why did you do this to me?".. and it hurts me deeply when you answered "what? what did i do??"..it is just way too cruel.

I let you live. I let you grow stronger. Now you eat me alive. You left me. Emotionally. Physically you are here. Mentally you feel like push me off you plot. You let me suffer, dear. This blood can’t be seen anymore. I’m empty.

I wonder how could you pretend that there was nothing wrong. How strong you are. Don’t fool me, dear. You know nothing about pain and misery. I tried to teach you to be a good human being. As I am full with mistakes and guilts. I never meant to change you the way I like. You have guessed wrong.

Too many options. Maybe I was blind. To have been choosing you. I never feel this weak. I never feel this stupid. I never feel this fool. I never thought that this would ever happen. I hate to ask anymore. I hate to tell you stuff anymore. Basically you made me wanna hate you. Why did you do this. Coz i might be hating you anytime. So.. when angers strike, silence is my best answer.

Lately ive been trying to elevate my own life’s capacities. Maybe other people should try it. The idea is to know how well you could overcome those feelings that run all over your mind. I believe that we should not be afraid of accepting a wide range of feelings propotion to situations. Just don’t let the disappointment and guilt run wild.

It’s okay to get or feel hurt. Those are the essence of life. U are indeed a very unsual person if u never got hurt. We are facing loss and pain every steps in our life. People change, they come and go. Maybe today you feel loved, but never be suprise if tomorrow won’t ever be the same. Maybe last time u felt appreciated, don’t moan if u feel neglected on the day after.

Letting go some one who’s very precious to u, by far is the hardest thing to do. Stop pleading. U might love someone so deeply, but be prepared to face the fact that u r not that important to them at all!

hahaha.. i’m pissed actually.

but.. should we say that "let bygone be bygone"..

im not craving over unsure stuff.. get over it la kan??=p

may God bless you my friend. coz ive done my best.. and i’ll be quiting. hah! i deserve a happy life jugak la..

*sigh* so this is the place. when no body listens. and no one seems to care. it was me who used to write everything in here. but then i thought ive found an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean. i did found but im not sure how strong it is. people says that "nobody’s worth your tears. so the one u love won’t make u cry. but if they did, u might wanna think again.."

i’ve learnt a lot from words. words of wisdom, words of a wise man and some quotes to live by. it does motivate me in many ways. but i dont know how long it will last.

when life strikes me from my back, i feel totally disrespected. and i keep questioning my self, "how can life be so unfair?".. i hate to blame my life. i hate to blame this world. and i hate to blame everyone that surrounds me. but realities keep haunting me every steps im taking. this is real world…

im surrounded by a bunch of people who use their heads but not their brains. decides with looks but not with thoughts. so if ure ugly u will be left behind..hhahahah

haha.. this crap is making crazy. what if i dont care at all? what if i started to ignore everything. what if? what if?.. hahah as if! it will definitely slam back on to my face. thats why i claimed everything around me is unfair.

have i taken a wrong path? have i met a wrong person? or… have i been acting a wrong manner? these questions keep lurking in my days of living. ive gave up EVERYTHING. and i fight with a lot of people. especially with my special ones. everything seems wrong.. and nothing is seem to worth the fights. useless. means ive been torturing my own self while they were busy perfecting their life.

"i love u, but i guess that wasnt enough…"

so this is it. the 7665th day of me living in this harmony(yeah rite!)-not-so-peaceful world. at least i still survive. alhamdulillah. nothing much to say bout this 21st year. the fact is im getting older. and hoping i’ll be tougher. mentally and physically. nobody wants to get old. being a kid is fun. and i really mean it. all of us have witnessed their own life’s histories. each and every path theyve taken. and i miss those paths quite a lot. i miss goin to school. and i miss those friends who didnt hv any ideas how to backstab one another and how to pretend. i really miss those.. but life must go on. i have to get on the right track and move on. or else i’ll get run over. ive to start acting like a grown up. too many wishes.. too little time. just a simple wish on this day.. beloved, pjg umur, dimurahkan rezeki.. i know thats typical. well thats what most people wants anyway.. thanx to Allah.. and mom and dad. ~

It was the sunshine. The I-thought-I-would-have happiness. Lighted you up, so that you yourself would be recognized. I came through, and keep coming through. I dug the feelings, and keep digging in. I was everything. I am nothing. Because you let me run dried. Before you threw this half dying flesh aside. I filled you up. How fresh you are.  Consumed me. How vicious you are. Yes, until now. I’m drying. Looking forward to be discarded. Though I know you wouldn’t do that. Because you keep everyone around you. That’s the attitude. You just want to be as secured as how I kept you before. But eventually, I left out insecured, I run out of my pride. I won’t go. I’ll be staying.. Until my life discards me from yours.

The air was colder than usual.
I was there as I watched the birds returned to their nests.
It is great to be the one who’s able to witness everything.
For we have been created to look over the reasons of every plots we’re seeing.
There is nothing much to complaint about when things are moving as it were planned.
It becomes something when something turns totally imbalance.
Then, we cry…
Like a mute person trying to express their pain.
Like a senseless trash that rots your brain.
It is not a prodigy of every living creatures.
It is the edge of a destroying pride.
No man is able to face this.
No matter how big their guts are.
It is not about a gut.
It is about the happiness you have once owned.
No guts no glory.
That is so yesterday..
I have them.
But I keep rewinding for the playbacks.
I ain’t see nothing…
For what ever reason it is.
The glory is hidden behind the every serious of whatthefuckingness.
But God knows why.
God has stored the very best plots for each one of us.
I believe that I have one.
So what ever it is.
You won’t be seeing be crying.
Praise to God for the rain~